I have always had weight/body image issues, starting around the age of 9. I was always a little chubby, but then I started developing when I was about 10. I was one of the only girls my age who had to wear a bra, and I got made fun of. Since that time I was always very self conscious about the way I looked. When I was in 7th grade I got into the habit of wearing sweatshirts to school everyday. I was so very uncomfortable in my body. I would even wear them in the summertime, making the excuse that I was always just cold. I was 13 the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat. It got worse when I was in high school, although I was active and playing sports, I never looked like the “popular” girls. They were all thin, and pretty. Along with my daily sweatshirts, I began incorporating sweatpants into the wardrobe. I usually didn’t making a habit of purging, but it happened every once in awhile. It was hard to do once I got to college, because I had a community bathroom, but it was always something in the back of my mind.
My sophomore year of college is when my weight started taking a drastic change. I was drinking a lot, and ordering out a lot of food, and I gained about 15lbs. I was ashamed, and embarrassed. That summer, going into my junior year, I dedicated myself to working out, and eating healthy, and I lost about 8-10lbs. I got a little lax the beginning of my junior year. I was picking back up my old habits of drinking, and ordering drunk food, and gained some back. Then, around December, everything changed. I had a bit of a run in with the law, and my world basically got turned upside down. This is when everything got so much worse. A lot of things were taken away from me, and I took back my control through my body. My ED started up again, worse than ever before.
It wasn’t until March, when I noticed my hair loss that I knew I couldn’t keep it up. I didn’t want people to notice. So, since then, I have really dedicated myself to clean eating, so I didn’t feel the need to purge as strongly, as I would if I had eaten McDonalds. It’s helped a lot. Then I started incorporating exercise, and here I am! I feel amazing now. I still have to fight the urge to throw up my food when I feel full, or eat poorly, and I still get anxious after I eat, but it’s something I’m working on. This blog really keeps me going. It keeps me motivated and hopeful. :)